Ashley Bendiksen is quite an accomplished woman. She is a national speaker on a few topics, most notably domestic and sexual violence; she is a survivor of it. She graduated as valedictorian of her college class at Salve Regina University. But none of this came easily, as there was plenty of adversity. There was the aforementioned abuse, which along with homelessness led her to drop out of college at first, and there is another story of adversity: her mother. The latter is the subject of her moving new book, The Language of Time.
Cheryl Bendiksen, Ashley’s late mother, began showing some troubling signs – forgetting things, forgetting people, being easily confused, having trouble doing simple tasks, and being a big risk while driving. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease at an all-too-young age. We often think of someone getting the disease in their late 70s or 80s, but Cheryl was in her 50s. It was bad enough she at one point had breast cancer – which she survived, to the point where it became almost irrelevant because of what Alzheimer’s does to a person.
As the U.S. population continues to age and we live longer, the expectation is that there will be more people afflicted with Alzheimer’s since it most commonly develops in people age 65 and older, and it is currently the sixth-leading cause of death. On average, another American develops it every 65 seconds. If nothing else, reading this book should give you a sense of urgency about the disease as research for a cure continues.
The book tells how Ashley became her mother’s caregiver through a challenging period in her own life. She was trying to get through school as part of rebuilding her life after much adversity as a teenager, working, dealing with the ups and downs of her own romantic relationships, and having to take the lead in caring for her mother first in finding out what is happening to her, then dealing with the reality. Along the way, she shares many memories that come to mind and that come from looking through things from earlier in her life that are in the family home. She goes over some of these memories with her mother and other family members; with her mother, it at times appears to help jog her memory.
Alzheimer’s is a nasty disease, and through the story told in the book, Ashley learns more than she – and perhaps many readers – could ever want to about it. You see the highlights that come and the signs of hope along the way, along with reminders of the reality that this is surely going to take her mother’s life. There is, naturally, much agony, especially when it looks like her mother is on her last legs. The family, especially Cheryl’s husband and Ashley’s father, on one hand appears to know what is coming but on the other hand is never ready for it. And indeed, who is ever ready to see a loved one pass on? You can sense the agony in big decisions like treatment when she is hospitalized well into her decline or going for hospice care.
The book is a page-turner, keeping the reader’s interest with memories of her childhood with her mother inter-weaved with the reality of the present. There is the constant concern for her mother at every step, all as she tries to keep her own life moving along. It’s also a roller coaster ride, as there are good signs that give them hope she can beat the disease, but then signs that the disease will refuse to lose. Her mother couldn’t be there for her graduation, when she addressed her classmates as the valedictorian, but it marks one of many accomplishments along the way. All of it comes through much time spent with her mother in between all of her activities.
Along the way, you sense how this hits Ashley emotionally at different points. She thinks about what many things mean not only in the present for her mother, but for her, and for her own life. It hits hard. It makes you appreciate what she’s already accomplished and will continue to later on – and all of it very much in memory of her mother.